suspect

There is something new brewing in my internal world. I am grateful for the way that Jesus knows exactly what dark corner of my heart He wants to excavate next. He seems to slowly make that evident to me as some kind of repeated theme emerges over the course of weeks, or months, or even years. In the initial stages of each excavation (and really it's more like multiple excavations in progress all at once) I find that I also experience fear in addition to gratitude.

There is something a wee bit frightening of letting go of what is familiar and "safe" even when it becomes clear that it's destructive and you know that it's out of His grace and goodness that Jesus is saying, "Time for this mess to go!"

Here's a recent and unfolding discovery: I have a serious problem with receiving. In fact, I harbor some suspicion that God's good gifts to me are not actually good. What a mess! Who wants to help me sort through the roots and growth of that foul line of thinking?

Jesus does.

Today I received an exciting invitation and my first response was to burst into tears. This invitation represents a clear affirmation of gifting and calling, but my thoughts went something like, "I don't deserve this."

Oh, I am reminded that we are in relationship with a God who does not relate to us on the basis of what we deserve and that is a truly good gift.